‘To the Victors the Spoils’
15th June, 2009Sun 7 June – Jolly Rogers
It had been an inclement night but we had all slept heavily. The previous evening’s raid on Otford had been a total success and, despite devious tactics from our local rivals, our brave lads had carried off all the booty from their unlocked chest. The grog had therefore flowed late into the night. No matter. All we were expecting that fateful Sunday was a visit from some old friends – a decent bunch by all accounts.
However, no sooner had our visitors been sighted rounding the headland when they donned their devilish caps, stitched with the ‘Jolly Roger’. PIRATES!!!
The two skippers eyed each other warily as the doubloon was tossed – tails – Shoreham would open fire first.
Up stepped Jack, the flame-haired young buck who had made a good impression in the season’s opening battles. True to form he kept the enemy at bay, firing his ten racks of balls whilst incurring only thirty-three return strikes. Sam suffered fifty-two hits during his eleven racks, but his long, flowing, blond locks seemed to put the enemy off. Two of them were caught out trying to board and were swiftly put to the sword by Montie who had stepped up to replace the wounded Chris. Dan’s spell inflicted a fatal leg wound upon one young pirate and it was left to Kumar to deliver the last, wild salvo of the skirmish during which a freak ball hopped straight though the raiders’ top scoring Mason. But the pick of the Shoreham marksmen was surely Steve whose twelve racks, five of which were unanswered, claimed two dead enemy for a mere twenty-eight returned shots.
In the melee a rumour went round that a feast had been prepared by Linda Trick. And so a brief parlay was called and what a feast it was! It seemed churlish not to share our repast with our guests and surely a more convivial battle tea had never before been seen in those waters.
An inspection had shown 170 strikes on Shoreham’s hull but there were no holes beneath the waterline and Shoreham’s skipper remained hopeful of success. The real reason for his confidence, however, was his faith in his crew.
They may have looked respectable enough, but he knew many of his men were no strangers to piracy. It was said that Rob had a fearsome reputation in the Carribean, Ray and Sam were from a long line of west country wreckers and Richard, with his scars and shaven head, couldn’t look more like a pirate if he tried. Steve and Kumar? Well, we all know what the Indian Ocean’s like these days. The Captain himself was born in Wapping in dubious circumstances. He recalls, whilst a small child, straining for a glimpse of the gruesome demise of Captain Kidd at Executioner’s Dock and wondering why his mother was so upset.
And so it was with steely determination that the Captain ordered his men to draw their blades and attack the enemy. He thought about delivering his ‘Shoreham Expects’ speech again, but there was no need. The experienced Nick and Ray were first into the fray. Okay, so Nick’s no more like a pirate than Orlando Bloom, but I’m told he has a very large dressing-up box and he played the role with impeccable style before being felled. Ray’s trusty Sting struck 31 times before he was caught out which brought Rob and Richard to the fore. Despite a huge amount of promise, neither man had previously delivered on their true potential. This would be their day. Their cutlasses were mere blurs as they sliced, chopped and hacked at the opposition. Cheered on by his wife and young son, Rob smashed his way to his inaugural 50, whilst Richard dispatched 26 hapless victims, a personal best. The Captain led from the back as usual, but even he delivered 6 blows upon the deflated enemy.
And so, with nine of us repulsed, it was left to the deadly Steve to deliver the coup de gras. But what’s this? Despite huge swings he’s unable to connect with the enemy! A cry goes out from the quarter-deck: ‘Engage the Enemy More Closely.’ The injured Chris looks on in horror as it appears he may have to unsheathe his rusty weapon after all. A single huge blow from Steve’s mighty scimitar decapitates six of the enemy and the day is won.
There were no hard feelings after the battle and the former foes toasted each other’s future success- especially if it happened to be at the expense of Otford. ‘To the Victors the Spoils’ but not this time. The Jolly Rogers sailed away with the silver goblet, The Dosser’s Cup.