There are not many jokes about numbers. There’s the one about there being three kinds of mathematician: those who can add up and those who can’t. Then there’s the one about Leigh, damned Leigh and statistics, but I can’t remember how that goes. Anyway, after last year’s confusion, when both sides were scoring our innings, we reverted to the traditional method for this fixture (we get it wrong and they don’t notice).

Two weeks ago we beat St. Lawrence in 20 overs, last week we defeated Withyham in 19, so this week we were hoping to progress to victory in 18 overs – but it was not to be. We required the full 40 overs to register a 41 run win against a team that felt the loss of some of their regular players. That said, our entire bowling attack from last week (Russell Smith, Nigel Jeffery, Gary Hukin, and Andre Pumpernickel), was unavailable to us, so it’s a reflection of our relative strength as a club at present that we could still field a winning team.

As we arrived at the ground there was huge excitement as Jon Beard handed out new kit to the fashionistas amongst us. AH in particular was looking fine in his new cap and shirt. There was some debate about what the large ‘C’ on the scribe’s sleeve stood for, but of course it was Correspondent.
We won the toss and elected to sit in the shade, sending Ray and Nick out to the middle. Nick (victorious captain of the Boakes Meadow Massive) accidentally picked up his holograph’s bat, which failed to stop a straight one, so Montie was soon called for (his head showing only a few dents from last week’s collisions with Withyham’s hanging baskets). Ray allowed himself to be bowled for 10 when it became obvious that Montie was all for quick singles, despite the heat. Next in was our chairman, probably the next fastest man to Montie between the wickets, and there followed some sprinting around, which was simply too exhausting to watch. When Montie was out for 19 we were three down for not very many, although the scoring rate had begun to pick up.

Paul, in his new role of mid-innings anchor, now joined Martin and there was a more measured accumulation of runs until Martin was given lbw by Montie, to a ball that – according to their separate opinions – was going to hit middle and off or was in danger of being a leg side wide. (Montie denies reports that he has replied to Otford’s advert for an umpire). Martin however behaved very correctly and kept the marigolds on as he trudged back to the pavilion.
AH joined Paul in adding another 20 odd before he was bowled, and then Graham – making his latest comeback from injury – took full advantage of some generous bowling. His rapid 25 included two gloriously timed sixes.

Jack contributed just 8 and Nick Pearce 8 less than that, as the Boakes Meadow Massive continued to suffer a communal reaction to last Sunday’s gala triumph. At the end Paul was undefeated on 53 (following on from his 50 not out against Withyham) and Chris was unbeaten on 9. Extras were second only to Paul in contributing to our final 215 for 8.

Linda laid on another, stylish Shoreham tea and it was with reluctance that we left the pavilion to take the field.

Brad and Jack commenced the bowling but Leigh scored quite briskly and without loss. Nick replaced Jack and bowled 8 economical overs. Brad removed one of Leigh’s openers for 14 but the scoring rate was still around 5 an over, so we had a good competition on our hands.

Ray replaced Brad after a six over spell and induced Leigh’s other opener to steer a ball into Paul’s waiting hands at deep gully. Still Leigh’s scoring rate was maintained, but there came a turning point when Nick removed Leigh’s number three for 33 and in the next over Ray bowled their number 4 for a duck.

Now Leigh only had one potential match winner left, the dangerous Martin Parfitt. Other bowlers having failed to remove him, Captian Brown summoned his strike bowler from the deep position where he had been fielding (because he looked too good in his new cap and shirt to stand close to the rest of the field).

AH employed his traditional tactic of lulling the batsman into a false sense of security. 6-4-4 was followed by one dot ball, then another that spun sharply and lifted through the gate, just clearing middle stump. The final ball of the over induced a false stroke that skied to Brad at deep mid on and, as Leigh’s umpire observed, the game was as good as won. AH generously allowed Brad to take all the praise for the dismissal, and now that he had found his line and length he was once more consigned to the deep.

Quite frankly, anyone could have bowled then, and several did. The only danger at this point was that the gathering storm would break before we could get through our overs. Leigh sportingly declined one (unnecessary) invitation to leave the field, and we wrapped up our third win in a row.

In the post match glow, Graham relected that he should perhaps retire after a game in which a) he scored runs, b) he took wickets [3 - 25] and c) he didn’t break anything. Nick Pearce was showing anyone who would look the bruises that he collected in his three vain attempts to take a catch, and Paul was poring over a calculator trying to work out his rapidly improving average.
Next week, the gentlemen of Lympsfield Chart.

Wyn

> View scorecard

Many great ideas are born with a chance happening, a mistake from others or a stroke of inspiration; William Webb Ellis picking up a football in the creation of Rugby as one example. But no one could conceive the brilliance of what was to follow on Sunday, the 21st of June 2009 at a small cricket ground in Shoreham…

A cancelled match against Wrotham meant that an abundance of players were left and the idea was born. 3 teams – the Sundays, led by Pat Barrett, the Exiles, and Boakes Meadow Massive. The first game of a three match tournament was to be played by the Sundays and the Exiles, which gave BM the chance to exercise their various pre-match warm ups. The Sundays were put into bat, and immediately made their mark on the tournament, with both Steve and James Trick reaching 25 in retirement. This left the remaining two Tricks at the crease with Asplin to bowl…

Cut to Sam walking back after being given lbw first ball off Jasplin, amidst bursts of rapturous laughter from the viewing gallery. The other notable contributions came from Ray (21), Brad Sims (15*) and Richard Nash (7*) to get the Sundays up to a competitive total of 98-2 from 10 overs.

The Exiles went out to bat and decided to make the difficult situation almost impossible, stumbling to 8 for 3 before the ship was righted again by Sean (27 ret) and Montie (22*). Despite this, the Exiles ended up 8 runs short, which ended a very enthralling opening game, and also meant that Ed and co had to get up.

Sundays – 98 for 2

S Arikosamy (27 ret)
J Trick (25 ret)
R Trick (21)

J Asplin (1-7)
W M Jones (1-22)
R Marsden (0-7)

Exiles – 91 for 6

S Bromfield (27 ret)
A Montie (22*)
Kavi (8)

K Senthil (1-4)
B Sims (1-9)
P Barrett (1-10)

Sundays won by 7 runs

The Exiles went out to bat again and made a better fist of it, with JD (15), Kavi (12) and Mark Doughty (18*) scoring well and Jasplin retiring scared. However, some tight bowling from Ed (2-0-10-1), Nick (1-0-5-0) and George (1-0-3-1) meant that Boakes Meadow restricted the Exiles to 81 for 4. A tea from Dea followed, before the team by the stream headed out to chase town the runs.

The two youngest Boakes Meadow members Oliver and Dexter Haysler started things off well and Rupert continued the good work (28 ret) before Jack (15) and Greg (20), with the famous yet infamous sweep got Boakes Meadow within touching distance of the total. Ed and George then finished the innings off with two balls to spare, handing Boakes Meadow their first win of the tournament. Some good bowling from the Dinnis duo and wickets for Sean Bromfield and Wyn should also be noted.

Exiles – 81 for 4

M Doughty (18*)
J Dinnis (15)
Kavi (12)

G Rivett (1-3)
E Walker (1-10)
R Harris (1-21)

Boakes Meadow – 82 for 3

R Harris (28 ret)
G Taylor (20)
J Rivett (15)

W M Jones (2-27)
S Bromfield (1-13)
G Dinnis (0-3)

Boakes Meadow won by 7 wickets

The final match would decide it then: who are the best team in Shoreham; would it be the Sunday side, led by Pat Barrett, or would it be the Boakes Meadow elite. Ed and George opened up, and who could have predicted what would follow…

Both Ed (26 ret) and George (27 ret) starred with the bat, with sixes for both batsmen, with George’s six off the bowling of James Trick! Nick (25) and Rupert (5*) then carried the innings through with good impetus, ending on 99 for 1, the best total scored in the tournament so far. With the BM massive on a definite high, it would be hard to chase the runs.

Ollie Haysler did the damage early on, with Ed taking a good catch in the deep to dismiss Nigel. The underdogs were on fire, stemming any runs with some tight bowling and fielding – with Ed and Greg picking up a wicket apiece to leave the Sunday side struggling on 30 for 3 from 5 overs. However, Steve hit a staggering 26 off 6 balls (mainly off the bowling of Greg) and got the Sunday team a scent of victory. However, tight overs from George and Ed meant that 24 was required off the last over to win. Under pressure, Rupert bowled exceptionally well and was on for a hat-trick, thus ending the Sunday side’s hopes of glory, with 4 runs coming off the last over, and only 16 runs off the last 3 overs.

Boakes Meadow – 99 for 1

G Rivett (27 ret)
E Walker (26 ret)
N Walker (25)

K Senthil (0-3)
S Arikosamy (0-8)
S Trick (0-12)

Sundays – 81 for 6

S Arikosamy (26 ret)
P Barrett (11)
J Trick (11*)

R Harris (2-8)
O Haysler (1-4)
N Walker (1-13)

Boakes Meadow won by 18 runs

A great performance by the underdog Boakes Meadow team, which left only one question to be asked… where does their water come from?

Alex Haysler

The victorious Boakes Meadow Massive

After winning the toss (no this isn’t a typo, we did actually win it for once) Shoreham decided to have a bowl on this pleasant summer’s day. Ed (9-49-0) and James (9-28-2) both bowled tightly – yes I consider going for anything under 50 tight – and Groombridge began scoring slowly but surely. Their openers were eventually dismissed by James and Krishna (9-37-2), but dropped catches and missed opportunities frustrated the home side. One such opportunity was a clear run-out by Ed, throwing the ball into Mark from short fine leg, but the square leg umpire ruled that he was unsighted (behind Big Phil, of course) and therefore couldn’t possibly give it out. Krishna continued to bowl well, however, and Andy, Krishna and Phil all held catches to keep Groombridge’s run rate down. The visitors had a strong end to their innings, though, ending on 216 for 5 (including 27 extras). Sam (6-41-1), Sree (2-12-0), and Steve ‘The Cat’ (5-33-0) all contributed with the ball.

Sree and Andy marched out to bat after a splendid Trick tea. However, Andy (4) and then Krishna (3), who replaced him, both fell to dubious LBW decisions before they could get going. After the farcical LBW drama at Otford in our last game, we felt pretty hard done by once again. Steve (32) and Phil (27) then upped the rate dramatically, and Sree (45) continued to bat valiantly. Suddenly we were racing past 100. Then Sam and James, who had come to our rescue against Otford with 42 runs a piece, this week both fell for 1. It was now all down to Mark McDonald batting at no.8 (a promotion from last week, oh wait that’s just because Jasplin was back in the team – joining the Boakes Meadow Boys in the tail!) The Crook bashed a succession of boundaries before departing for 14. Then Jasplin (4), Ed (6) and Jack (4no) collectively decided that an early trip to the George was indeed nothing to be ashamed of. Shoreham were bowled out for 149 from 29.4 overs. A heavy session ensued at the pub, and all was forgotten (in the mind of this reporter anyway) on Sunday thanks to the antics at Shoreham’s first ever triangular tournament…

- Ed

> View scorecard

It was a confident 2nd team that travelled to Withyham: including the acme of batsmen, the temporarily single, Mick Johnson, the well-travelled refugee from hotel life, Russell Smith (who gave up a trip to Middlesbrough to be with us), and our occasional stars, Gary Hukin and Andre Pampellone.

Captain Brown won the toss and elected to bat. At this point, Paul – our established opener – was making his way from Shoreham, having assumed that we had a home game. Questioned, on his arrival, as to whether he had a fixture card he said that he had last year’s.

Withyham have a lovely, secluded, parkland ground and a pleasant, old fashioned pavilion with hanging baskets on the veranda. The latter should not have caused a problem to an experienced horticulturalist such as Montie, nor to a man as accustomed to overheads as Gary, but the afternoon was punctuated with cries of pain as they, and others, periodically walked into these ornaments.

Withyham also have an excellent scoreboard that works on the same principle as a calculator with each figure formed from seven bars that can be turned ‘on’ or ‘off’ (yellow side up or black side up) in combination to form any of the numbers 0 to 9. This also posed more problems to the Shoreham operators than one would have imagined. Perhaps this was because they were often mildly concussed.

‘Forty three for one off nine Montie’.

‘OK’

Bong

‘Bugger!’

‘Does this look like a four?’

The story of the game is simply told.

Ray anchored the first half of our innings. He was fourth out for 47, immediately after the drinks break, when the score was 98.

Paul played the anchor role for the second 20 overs, finishing 50 not out when our total was 208.

Other notable contributions came from Mick – 21, Gary – 32, and Russell, who hit a quick fire 15 when it was needed to push us over the 200 mark.

We only needed to use four bowlers. Russell opened and struck in his first over, courtesy of a diving, low slip catch by Chris. Five catchers quickly became six, and, with this field to bowl to, Russell took 4 wickets for 26 runs in 7 overs.

Gary replaced Russell and he ended with a magnificent 6 wickets for 7 runs from 2.5 overs. His most remarkable sequence went:

. wicket . dropped catch . dropped catch . wicket
wicket . dropped catch . dropped catch . wicket . wicket . dot ball

It is certainly the only time that this Hack has witnessed two different hatrick balls in the same over.

Nigel and Andre bowled very well and economically, but without reward, from the other end.

Withyham’s young side (the combined age of eight of their team was less than two of ours) bowled very well, but their batting wilted. In seasons to come they will no doubt mature into a formidable unit.

So, we followed our 20-over victory last week with a 19-over triumph this week, posted another score over 200 and took almost maximum points from the game.

- Wyn

> View scorecard

Shoreham 168 all out
Knockholt 159-9
Shoreham won by 9 runs

In only the second away fixture so far this season, the Sunday side headed for Knockholt, with some new faces against old rivals in a game which was epitomised by the ‘gate’ the home side had erected which appeared as somewhat a holy grail for the home side – a tradition which the majority of the Shoreham players failed to uphold. Jackson, in an effort of skill and agility, decided he would vault the ‘fence’. What a majestic effort!

The Captain lost the toss again and was put into bat on a dodgy pitch. The word dodgy here is probably an understatement – for the 6 balls opener Alex Haysler faced before being run out by Ray for a duck, the pitch was already throwing up bouncers and grasscutters – on virtually the same length! (We won’t delve too deep into the mystery of the run out).

After this, Ray and Steve, fresh from his 139 set about steadying the ship. This worked until Steve skied one and departed for a well fought 31. Raymundo departed soon after for 20 which left Sam and Nigel to build another partnership – this was broken in almost the same fashion, with Sam going for 27 and Nigel departing swiftly for 12. We had started well, but now needed what England have been missing in the past two weeks – a finisher. Step up Richard Nash. With a quick fire 25, including some good contributions from Jackson, Andre and new recruit Matt the travelling side posted a competitive total of 168.

A troop down to the changing rooms for the tea, to review the innings, to find out who was going to be Alex’s phone a friend from the jail cell on tour, and to see Jack eat all the cakes ensued, before Shoreham took to the field to defend their total.

The home side started well, until Steve got his first scalp, the opener caught brilliantly by the lurking Nigel at short cover. The other opener was then caught by Kumar off the bowling of Steve, before a brilliant bit of field positioning left Alex with a sharp and inspired catch at short leg for Steve’s third. Steve then caught off his own bowling to leave the home side stuttering at 63 for 4. However, a good partnership from Knockholt left the home side in a good position to win.

Shoreham were in dire need of a hero, with 168 looking a much smaller total with Knockholt at 121 for 4. Step up Sam Trick. Some crafty off spin dismissed their two in batsmen, with some sharp work from Richard to send home one of their batsmen who should have been out about an hour previous (caught off Jackson by Richard) which apparently ‘didn’t sound right’. Sam had made the victory a reality with figures of 7-0-23-3, with Steve coming back on to finish the job, ending with 11.5-3-30-6. Other notable bowling performances came from Andre (6-0-31-0), Raymundo (3-2-3-0), Matt (4-0-21-0) and Nigel (6-1-16-0).

Some confusion entailed at the climax, as no batsmen appeared when their ninth wicket fell. However, sources in the know informed us that they had, to the surprise of the players, only fielded 10 players. This left the Captain to lead his troops off to the pub for some liquid celebration.

N.B. George didn’t play due to his broken toe, so contributed by scoring and getting badly sunburnt.

- Alex Haysler

Connoisseurs of the longer form of the game complain that other formats do not make the same demands on skill and temperament. They argue that in the course of forty overs a team can be tested to its limits. So the new brand of Forty20 cricket played at St. Lawrence’s at the weekend dismayed the traditionalists.

Captain Brown invited our hosts to bat, on a wicket that Paul (who had prepared it) described as very good. A strong sun shone down on St. Lawrence’s very pretty and well kept ground. The occasional lazy bee droned past. Church clocks chimed in the distance, and pigeons, enjoying a false sense of security, were cooing softly in the branches of the trees around the boundary.

Nick Cobb, who has already scored heavily in second team games this season, and his fellow opener Andrew(?) Ball, put on runs steadily against an attack spearheaded by Nigel Jeffery and Steve Aroksamay. Although Nigel beat the bat on several occasions, his shorter deliveries were pounced on. Steve was difficult to score off, but helped out with a few extras.

Ball was eventually caught by Brad off Nigel for 40, and after 20 overs St. Lawrence’s total was below 100. Nick Cobb, on 63, scooped a delivery from Brad into Jasplin’s safe hands. Thereafter it was down to Richard Smith to press the attack.

Then came a pivotal spell from the Ageing Hack. 11 balls yielded only two runs and the wicket of St. Lawrence’s number 4. Captain Brown then withdrew his strike bowler and reverted to the more predictable style of his stock performers. The only blemish on the Ageing Hack’s record was the first ball six that, according to independent observers, reduced the pigeon count by one – knocking it off a branch, high up in cow corner.

St. Lawrence’s innings finished on 198 for 6. Brad had been the pick of the bowlers with 2 for 24 from 9. Steve finished with 2 for 35 from 9. AH was the next most economical with 1 for 8 off 2. Nigel took the other wicket to fall in his 8 overs for 52. Sam, Ray, and Paul were the other bowlers used.

Paul and Steve opened for us. The first over proved eventful with three wides, a single, a wicket and a six. Ray put down a marker for the duck cup with a golden one and this brought Steve out after only four balls. Unfortunately for St. Lawrence, Steve had left his jumper on the mid-off boundary and, reasoning that he needed time to collect it, he launched his first ball over the hedge and the road, into the field beyond. By the time the ball was retrieved Steve was wearing his sweater and looking more comfortable.

Paul, Sam, and Montie played supporting roles as Steve plundered 139 not out, taking us to 198 for 4 in the 20th over. The final ball was bowled to square leg to prevent the possibility of yet another boundary taking us to 200, and a third batting point. Hey ho.

An honourable mention for Jasplin, not out on 14 at the end. The previous week, against Four Elms, he made a personal best of 38, which I failed to mention because there was no match report. There: I’ve reported it now.

- Wyn

> View scorecard

Sun 7 June – Jolly Rogers

It had been an inclement night but we had all slept heavily. The previous evening’s raid on Otford had been a total success and, despite devious tactics from our local rivals, our brave lads had carried off all the booty from their unlocked chest. The grog had therefore flowed late into the night. No matter. All we were expecting that fateful Sunday was a visit from some old friends – a decent bunch by all accounts.

However, no sooner had our visitors been sighted rounding the headland when they donned their devilish caps, stitched with the ‘Jolly Roger’. PIRATES!!!

The two skippers eyed each other warily as the doubloon was tossed – tails – Shoreham would open fire first.

Up stepped Jack, the flame-haired young buck who had made a good impression in the season’s opening battles. True to form he kept the enemy at bay, firing his ten racks of balls whilst incurring only thirty-three return strikes. Sam suffered fifty-two hits during his eleven racks, but his long, flowing, blond locks seemed to put the enemy off. Two of them were caught out trying to board and were swiftly put to the sword by Montie who had stepped up to replace the wounded Chris. Dan’s spell inflicted a fatal leg wound upon one young pirate and it was left to Kumar to deliver the last, wild salvo of the skirmish during which a freak ball hopped straight though the raiders’ top scoring Mason. But the pick of the Shoreham marksmen was surely Steve whose twelve racks, five of which were unanswered, claimed two dead enemy for a mere twenty-eight returned shots.

In the melee a rumour went round that a feast had been prepared by Linda Trick. And so a brief parlay was called and what a feast it was! It seemed churlish not to share our repast with our guests and surely a more convivial battle tea had never before been seen in those waters.

An inspection had shown 170 strikes on Shoreham’s hull but there were no holes beneath the waterline and Shoreham’s skipper remained hopeful of success. The real reason for his confidence, however, was his faith in his crew.

They may have looked respectable enough, but he knew many of his men were no strangers to piracy. It was said that Rob had a fearsome reputation in the Carribean, Ray and Sam were from a long line of west country wreckers and Richard, with his scars and shaven head, couldn’t look more like a pirate if he tried. Steve and Kumar? Well, we all know what the Indian Ocean’s like these days. The Captain himself was born in Wapping in dubious circumstances. He recalls, whilst a small child, straining for a glimpse of the gruesome demise of Captain Kidd at Executioner’s Dock and wondering why his mother was so upset.

And so it was with steely determination that the Captain ordered his men to draw their blades and attack the enemy. He thought about delivering his ‘Shoreham Expects’ speech again, but there was no need. The experienced Nick and Ray were first into the fray. Okay, so Nick’s no more like a pirate than Orlando Bloom, but I’m told he has a very large dressing-up box and he played the role with impeccable style before being felled. Ray’s trusty Sting struck 31 times before he was caught out which brought Rob and Richard to the fore. Despite a huge amount of promise, neither man had previously delivered on their true potential. This would be their day. Their cutlasses were mere blurs as they sliced, chopped and hacked at the opposition. Cheered on by his wife and young son, Rob smashed his way to his inaugural 50, whilst Richard dispatched 26 hapless victims, a personal best. The Captain led from the back as usual, but even he delivered 6 blows upon the deflated enemy.

And so, with nine of us repulsed, it was left to the deadly Steve to deliver the coup de gras. But what’s this? Despite huge swings he’s unable to connect with the enemy! A cry goes out from the quarter-deck: ‘Engage the Enemy More Closely.’ The injured Chris looks on in horror as it appears he may have to unsheathe his rusty weapon after all. A single huge blow from Steve’s mighty scimitar decapitates six of the enemy and the day is won.

There were no hard feelings after the battle and the former foes toasted each other’s future success- especially if it happened to be at the expense of Otford. ‘To the Victors the Spoils’ but not this time. The Jolly Rogers sailed away with the silver goblet, The Dosser’s Cup.