This was the second team’s second heavy defeat in a row, following our three game winning streak.
Once again, a poor bowling performance proved expensive. Put in to bat, Cudham amassed 296, with Dave Rippingdale carrying his bat through the innings and ending on 106. Tom Carter, batting at four, scored 91. The only bowlers, of the eight used, who might want their figures mentioned are Graham – who bowled a good line and length and was rewarded with all three of the wickets to be taken (8 – 2 – 32 – 0), and Brad (9 – 0 – 46 – 0), who was very economical in the context of the game.

By the time tea was finished the afternoon was getting cooler and darker, which reflected our mood as wickets fell regularly for no compelling reason. John top scored with 15 and Paul, playing his mid-order anchor role, was left high and dry on 13 at the end. No-one else, except extras, achieved double figures as we subsided for 68 in 23.5 overs.

This didn’t seem remotely amusing, so I’ll save the humour for the tour report.

- Wyn

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Well, first a resume of the highlights of the game from our perspective:

Right, that’s over.

Look, I’m not going to dwell on this because firstly it was pretty painful and secondly I’ve got my packing to do. (Isle of Wight here we come!)

Captain Brown won the toss and elected to bat, mainly because our bowling attack had been even further depleted because Gary, Andre, Brad, Nigel and Russell all had other things to do. Not to mention Alex who? Do these chaps think that life is all about making money and babies? All right, Nigel had half an excuse because he was playing for the firsts and Russ might have found the travelling a bit of a pain, but come on boys!

If we had scored 250 we might have been in with a chance, but a classy opening attack soon had us reeling. All our early wickets fell cheaply – even that of someone referred to in Limpsfield Chart’s match report as ‘Danger Man’ Ray Trick. The only stability in our innings came when Paul went in at his, now customary, number five, and, having seen off the opening bowlers, began to accumulate runs in his familiar fashion. Danny Herridge, Richard Breden (yes this is a 2009 match report) and Captain Brown each chipped in with a few. Paul was eighth out. Next, AH’s cameo was reminiscent of Mark Ramprakash, in Strictly. At the end, Chris and Pat were at the crease as we limped over 100 – just.

Tea was pretty good and the renovations in the clubhouse were good to admire, but all too soon we had to go out again.

Our fearsome attack was opened by Richard at one end and Danger Walrus at the other. It took about an over for Richard’s body to remember what it had to do in these circumstances, after which he bowled tidily. Neither bowler really worried Limpsfield Chart’s openers and so Captain Brown summoned his strike bowler once again, with the words ‘We only need 10 wickets and you’ve got 50 runs to play with’. Despite his usual tactic of lulling the batsmen into accepting easy runs from his first few balls, AH failed to lure either batsman into subsequent errors. Meanwhile, Jack took over at the other end (‘We only need ten wickets and you’ve got 40 to play with’) and he induced both batsmen to drive him, successfully.

Captain Brown’s final throw of the dice was to bring on Captain Pat. (‘We only need ten wickets, and you’ve got three runs to play with.’) It was an eventful over. First, a near dismissal from a lobbed pull. Then a ball that looked as though it was headed for the boundary pulled up short: four became three and then one, as we realised that only one batsman had carried on running after the initial single. We’d thought it was all over, and a ball later it was.

After the triumphs of the last three weeks this was a sad day, but there was no doubt that it was the better team that won.

- Wyn

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There are not many jokes about numbers. There’s the one about there being three kinds of mathematician: those who can add up and those who can’t. Then there’s the one about Leigh, damned Leigh and statistics, but I can’t remember how that goes. Anyway, after last year’s confusion, when both sides were scoring our innings, we reverted to the traditional method for this fixture (we get it wrong and they don’t notice).

Two weeks ago we beat St. Lawrence in 20 overs, last week we defeated Withyham in 19, so this week we were hoping to progress to victory in 18 overs – but it was not to be. We required the full 40 overs to register a 41 run win against a team that felt the loss of some of their regular players. That said, our entire bowling attack from last week (Russell Smith, Nigel Jeffery, Gary Hukin, and Andre Pumpernickel), was unavailable to us, so it’s a reflection of our relative strength as a club at present that we could still field a winning team.

As we arrived at the ground there was huge excitement as Jon Beard handed out new kit to the fashionistas amongst us. AH in particular was looking fine in his new cap and shirt. There was some debate about what the large ‘C’ on the scribe’s sleeve stood for, but of course it was Correspondent.
We won the toss and elected to sit in the shade, sending Ray and Nick out to the middle. Nick (victorious captain of the Boakes Meadow Massive) accidentally picked up his holograph’s bat, which failed to stop a straight one, so Montie was soon called for (his head showing only a few dents from last week’s collisions with Withyham’s hanging baskets). Ray allowed himself to be bowled for 10 when it became obvious that Montie was all for quick singles, despite the heat. Next in was our chairman, probably the next fastest man to Montie between the wickets, and there followed some sprinting around, which was simply too exhausting to watch. When Montie was out for 19 we were three down for not very many, although the scoring rate had begun to pick up.

Paul, in his new role of mid-innings anchor, now joined Martin and there was a more measured accumulation of runs until Martin was given lbw by Montie, to a ball that – according to their separate opinions – was going to hit middle and off or was in danger of being a leg side wide. (Montie denies reports that he has replied to Otford’s advert for an umpire). Martin however behaved very correctly and kept the marigolds on as he trudged back to the pavilion.
AH joined Paul in adding another 20 odd before he was bowled, and then Graham – making his latest comeback from injury – took full advantage of some generous bowling. His rapid 25 included two gloriously timed sixes.

Jack contributed just 8 and Nick Pearce 8 less than that, as the Boakes Meadow Massive continued to suffer a communal reaction to last Sunday’s gala triumph. At the end Paul was undefeated on 53 (following on from his 50 not out against Withyham) and Chris was unbeaten on 9. Extras were second only to Paul in contributing to our final 215 for 8.

Linda laid on another, stylish Shoreham tea and it was with reluctance that we left the pavilion to take the field.

Brad and Jack commenced the bowling but Leigh scored quite briskly and without loss. Nick replaced Jack and bowled 8 economical overs. Brad removed one of Leigh’s openers for 14 but the scoring rate was still around 5 an over, so we had a good competition on our hands.

Ray replaced Brad after a six over spell and induced Leigh’s other opener to steer a ball into Paul’s waiting hands at deep gully. Still Leigh’s scoring rate was maintained, but there came a turning point when Nick removed Leigh’s number three for 33 and in the next over Ray bowled their number 4 for a duck.

Now Leigh only had one potential match winner left, the dangerous Martin Parfitt. Other bowlers having failed to remove him, Captian Brown summoned his strike bowler from the deep position where he had been fielding (because he looked too good in his new cap and shirt to stand close to the rest of the field).

AH employed his traditional tactic of lulling the batsman into a false sense of security. 6-4-4 was followed by one dot ball, then another that spun sharply and lifted through the gate, just clearing middle stump. The final ball of the over induced a false stroke that skied to Brad at deep mid on and, as Leigh’s umpire observed, the game was as good as won. AH generously allowed Brad to take all the praise for the dismissal, and now that he had found his line and length he was once more consigned to the deep.

Quite frankly, anyone could have bowled then, and several did. The only danger at this point was that the gathering storm would break before we could get through our overs. Leigh sportingly declined one (unnecessary) invitation to leave the field, and we wrapped up our third win in a row.

In the post match glow, Graham relected that he should perhaps retire after a game in which a) he scored runs, b) he took wickets [3 - 25] and c) he didn’t break anything. Nick Pearce was showing anyone who would look the bruises that he collected in his three vain attempts to take a catch, and Paul was poring over a calculator trying to work out his rapidly improving average.
Next week, the gentlemen of Lympsfield Chart.

Wyn

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It was a confident 2nd team that travelled to Withyham: including the acme of batsmen, the temporarily single, Mick Johnson, the well-travelled refugee from hotel life, Russell Smith (who gave up a trip to Middlesbrough to be with us), and our occasional stars, Gary Hukin and Andre Pampellone.

Captain Brown won the toss and elected to bat. At this point, Paul – our established opener – was making his way from Shoreham, having assumed that we had a home game. Questioned, on his arrival, as to whether he had a fixture card he said that he had last year’s.

Withyham have a lovely, secluded, parkland ground and a pleasant, old fashioned pavilion with hanging baskets on the veranda. The latter should not have caused a problem to an experienced horticulturalist such as Montie, nor to a man as accustomed to overheads as Gary, but the afternoon was punctuated with cries of pain as they, and others, periodically walked into these ornaments.

Withyham also have an excellent scoreboard that works on the same principle as a calculator with each figure formed from seven bars that can be turned ‘on’ or ‘off’ (yellow side up or black side up) in combination to form any of the numbers 0 to 9. This also posed more problems to the Shoreham operators than one would have imagined. Perhaps this was because they were often mildly concussed.

‘Forty three for one off nine Montie’.

‘OK’

Bong

‘Bugger!’

‘Does this look like a four?’

The story of the game is simply told.

Ray anchored the first half of our innings. He was fourth out for 47, immediately after the drinks break, when the score was 98.

Paul played the anchor role for the second 20 overs, finishing 50 not out when our total was 208.

Other notable contributions came from Mick – 21, Gary – 32, and Russell, who hit a quick fire 15 when it was needed to push us over the 200 mark.

We only needed to use four bowlers. Russell opened and struck in his first over, courtesy of a diving, low slip catch by Chris. Five catchers quickly became six, and, with this field to bowl to, Russell took 4 wickets for 26 runs in 7 overs.

Gary replaced Russell and he ended with a magnificent 6 wickets for 7 runs from 2.5 overs. His most remarkable sequence went:

. wicket . dropped catch . dropped catch . wicket
wicket . dropped catch . dropped catch . wicket . wicket . dot ball

It is certainly the only time that this Hack has witnessed two different hatrick balls in the same over.

Nigel and Andre bowled very well and economically, but without reward, from the other end.

Withyham’s young side (the combined age of eight of their team was less than two of ours) bowled very well, but their batting wilted. In seasons to come they will no doubt mature into a formidable unit.

So, we followed our 20-over victory last week with a 19-over triumph this week, posted another score over 200 and took almost maximum points from the game.

- Wyn

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Connoisseurs of the longer form of the game complain that other formats do not make the same demands on skill and temperament. They argue that in the course of forty overs a team can be tested to its limits. So the new brand of Forty20 cricket played at St. Lawrence’s at the weekend dismayed the traditionalists.

Captain Brown invited our hosts to bat, on a wicket that Paul (who had prepared it) described as very good. A strong sun shone down on St. Lawrence’s very pretty and well kept ground. The occasional lazy bee droned past. Church clocks chimed in the distance, and pigeons, enjoying a false sense of security, were cooing softly in the branches of the trees around the boundary.

Nick Cobb, who has already scored heavily in second team games this season, and his fellow opener Andrew(?) Ball, put on runs steadily against an attack spearheaded by Nigel Jeffery and Steve Aroksamay. Although Nigel beat the bat on several occasions, his shorter deliveries were pounced on. Steve was difficult to score off, but helped out with a few extras.

Ball was eventually caught by Brad off Nigel for 40, and after 20 overs St. Lawrence’s total was below 100. Nick Cobb, on 63, scooped a delivery from Brad into Jasplin’s safe hands. Thereafter it was down to Richard Smith to press the attack.

Then came a pivotal spell from the Ageing Hack. 11 balls yielded only two runs and the wicket of St. Lawrence’s number 4. Captain Brown then withdrew his strike bowler and reverted to the more predictable style of his stock performers. The only blemish on the Ageing Hack’s record was the first ball six that, according to independent observers, reduced the pigeon count by one – knocking it off a branch, high up in cow corner.

St. Lawrence’s innings finished on 198 for 6. Brad had been the pick of the bowlers with 2 for 24 from 9. Steve finished with 2 for 35 from 9. AH was the next most economical with 1 for 8 off 2. Nigel took the other wicket to fall in his 8 overs for 52. Sam, Ray, and Paul were the other bowlers used.

Paul and Steve opened for us. The first over proved eventful with three wides, a single, a wicket and a six. Ray put down a marker for the duck cup with a golden one and this brought Steve out after only four balls. Unfortunately for St. Lawrence, Steve had left his jumper on the mid-off boundary and, reasoning that he needed time to collect it, he launched his first ball over the hedge and the road, into the field beyond. By the time the ball was retrieved Steve was wearing his sweater and looking more comfortable.

Paul, Sam, and Montie played supporting roles as Steve plundered 139 not out, taking us to 198 for 4 in the 20th over. The final ball was bowled to square leg to prevent the possibility of yet another boundary taking us to 200, and a third batting point. Hey ho.

An honourable mention for Jasplin, not out on 14 at the end. The previous week, against Four Elms, he made a personal best of 38, which I failed to mention because there was no match report. There: I’ve reported it now.

- Wyn

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Infamy, infamy etc…

History reliably recalls that it was 1872 when a Shoreham umpire last gave two lbw decisions against his own team, dead plumb or not. Who now carries this burden of shame? Read on.

On a scraping-the-barrel kind of weekend, deprived of the services of many of our regulars and of all our dilettante starlets, it was an unfamiliar XI that took the field. Alongside a clutch of regulars, there were the timeless Mick Johnson, the ageless Bob Shapter, the priceless Tim Martin and the beardless David (Son Of Hack), aged 11.

David is a fine asset to us. (I’m sure that I didn’t write this, but every child knows how to word process now).

Anyway, we fielded first and time passed agreeably as Otford’s early batsmen piled on the runs. Pyman scored 94, Paige 12, Bishop 45, and Jeffers 96. After this quartet were gone, we took another four wickets cheaply, and so we claimed some bowling points whilst conceding a total of 304.

Brad was the pick of the bowlers, going for only 5.4 an over and taking two wickets. Bob Shapter and Alex Haysler also took two wickets apiece, and Bob Sims took one.

The eighth wicket was a run out. When Otford’s number 7 tripped and sprawled mid wicket, Mick Johnson’s first, gentlemanly instinct was to go and help him up, but he was reminded from all corners of the field that this is the cut and thrust of the Kent Village League, and – almost apologetically – he removed the bails.

Mick opened our innings with Nick Walker. Unfortunately Nick was out for only 9 and so had plenty of time to umpire. Mick went on to provide the core of our innings until he was seventh out for 90 with the score on 170. Could the tail wag sufficiently to capture another batting point? Indeed it could, with Jon Beard and Bob Sims each scoring exhilarating 24s. The ninth wicket fell with just one ball remaining, so David faced his first ball of competitive cricket, and survived, to deny Otford their final bowling point.

We fell 84 short of Otford’s total, but the 220 that we scored means that the second’s average score for the first three games is over 200, which is in marked contrast to the 40 odd that we managed on our first outing two seasons ago.

Wyn

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What a relief to reach the end of such a dreadful week. It has been impossible to open a paper without reading of the dodgy dealings of our appointed leaders, the poor behaviour of Speaker Martin, and calls for the Prime Minister to resign. How good then to re-enter the world of cricket, where the rules are known, everyone plays fairly, and order is kept by eagle-eyed and impartial officials.

This week we faced our old friends Halstead. As Ray and Paul padded up to open, someone in their camp was heard to observe that it was unusual to start with two runners on the field.

Sources close to Paul Styles revealed that he will not be available to us next week as he and his wife are attending a dancing masterclass. This seems well timed because Paul’s footwork could certainly have been better as he waltzed around a full toss to be bowled for 2 (or 1 and a leg bye according to the umpires).

Halstead’s game plan appeared to be to keep Ray in as long as possible, as he was – rather deliberately – dropped three times before someone clung on to his fourth lobbed effort out of sheer embarrassment. This brought the returning Robert the Developer to the crease, along with Montie. The hyperactive pair began to scamper about and improve what had been a fairly low run rate, on a pitch that made it difficult to score. Opinion in the pavilion was that 160 would be a good total, but Montie, Robert and then Martin kept increasing the tempo. Martin relieved the pressure that his results so far had begun to heap upon him, by top-scoring with his maiden 50 of the season. Brad, Chris and the Hack latterly kept Martin company and made a few runs of their own. We eventually set Halstead the very respectable target of 186.

In this game James Asplin finally made a telling contribution to the bowling attack by introducing Nigel Jefferies to the side. Brad and Andree, who opened, and then Robert and Nigel kept the run rate low and steadily took wickets. Without the book, this report is a little light on exact statistics. I do however recall that Robert took at least five wickets.

Keeper Martin felt that he was very hard done by on at least two occasions: the first when he took a stunning leg-side catch from a hook shot, and the second when he chose the perfect moment to remove the bails as the batsman rocked forwards. Neither decision went his way, and he was so moved after the second that he strode down the pitch and hurled both gloves to the ground. It seemed a practised move: one could picture him flinging the Marigolds to the kitchen floor and complaining ‘No Linda, it’s not fair. I’ve done more than my share of the washing up this week already’.

Halstead’s last pair came together with the score not much over 100 and about 15 overs left. Taking that final wicket proved to be no formality. Ray and James A, amongst others, found themselves on the receiving end of some lusty hitting and the asking rate was still around 6 an over as 150 came in sight for the visitors. At this point Andree returned to the attack and, to everyone’s relief, snuck one through to wrap up a 40 run victory.

So far so good. However, when leaving the ground, I discovered that someone had swiped my cricket trousers and the money they held, leaving me the butt of a lot of humour in the George, which, frankly, I found very childish and predictable.

This morning I opened my Telegraph to find that my trousers, as well as his own, have turned up in our leader’s kit bag, and that he has been claiming against mine as his constituency trousers.

Brown must go!

- Wyn

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