It was a confident 2nd team that travelled to Withyham: including the acme of batsmen, the temporarily single, Mick Johnson, the well-travelled refugee from hotel life, Russell Smith (who gave up a trip to Middlesbrough to be with us), and our occasional stars, Gary Hukin and Andre Pampellone.

Captain Brown won the toss and elected to bat. At this point, Paul – our established opener – was making his way from Shoreham, having assumed that we had a home game. Questioned, on his arrival, as to whether he had a fixture card he said that he had last year’s.

Withyham have a lovely, secluded, parkland ground and a pleasant, old fashioned pavilion with hanging baskets on the veranda. The latter should not have caused a problem to an experienced horticulturalist such as Montie, nor to a man as accustomed to overheads as Gary, but the afternoon was punctuated with cries of pain as they, and others, periodically walked into these ornaments.

Withyham also have an excellent scoreboard that works on the same principle as a calculator with each figure formed from seven bars that can be turned ‘on’ or ‘off’ (yellow side up or black side up) in combination to form any of the numbers 0 to 9. This also posed more problems to the Shoreham operators than one would have imagined. Perhaps this was because they were often mildly concussed.

‘Forty three for one off nine Montie’.

‘OK’

Bong

‘Bugger!’

‘Does this look like a four?’

The story of the game is simply told.

Ray anchored the first half of our innings. He was fourth out for 47, immediately after the drinks break, when the score was 98.

Paul played the anchor role for the second 20 overs, finishing 50 not out when our total was 208.

Other notable contributions came from Mick – 21, Gary – 32, and Russell, who hit a quick fire 15 when it was needed to push us over the 200 mark.

We only needed to use four bowlers. Russell opened and struck in his first over, courtesy of a diving, low slip catch by Chris. Five catchers quickly became six, and, with this field to bowl to, Russell took 4 wickets for 26 runs in 7 overs.

Gary replaced Russell and he ended with a magnificent 6 wickets for 7 runs from 2.5 overs. His most remarkable sequence went:

. wicket . dropped catch . dropped catch . wicket
wicket . dropped catch . dropped catch . wicket . wicket . dot ball

It is certainly the only time that this Hack has witnessed two different hatrick balls in the same over.

Nigel and Andre bowled very well and economically, but without reward, from the other end.

Withyham’s young side (the combined age of eight of their team was less than two of ours) bowled very well, but their batting wilted. In seasons to come they will no doubt mature into a formidable unit.

So, we followed our 20-over victory last week with a 19-over triumph this week, posted another score over 200 and took almost maximum points from the game.

- Wyn

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Connoisseurs of the longer form of the game complain that other formats do not make the same demands on skill and temperament. They argue that in the course of forty overs a team can be tested to its limits. So the new brand of Forty20 cricket played at St. Lawrence’s at the weekend dismayed the traditionalists.

Captain Brown invited our hosts to bat, on a wicket that Paul (who had prepared it) described as very good. A strong sun shone down on St. Lawrence’s very pretty and well kept ground. The occasional lazy bee droned past. Church clocks chimed in the distance, and pigeons, enjoying a false sense of security, were cooing softly in the branches of the trees around the boundary.

Nick Cobb, who has already scored heavily in second team games this season, and his fellow opener Andrew(?) Ball, put on runs steadily against an attack spearheaded by Nigel Jeffery and Steve Aroksamay. Although Nigel beat the bat on several occasions, his shorter deliveries were pounced on. Steve was difficult to score off, but helped out with a few extras.

Ball was eventually caught by Brad off Nigel for 40, and after 20 overs St. Lawrence’s total was below 100. Nick Cobb, on 63, scooped a delivery from Brad into Jasplin’s safe hands. Thereafter it was down to Richard Smith to press the attack.

Then came a pivotal spell from the Ageing Hack. 11 balls yielded only two runs and the wicket of St. Lawrence’s number 4. Captain Brown then withdrew his strike bowler and reverted to the more predictable style of his stock performers. The only blemish on the Ageing Hack’s record was the first ball six that, according to independent observers, reduced the pigeon count by one – knocking it off a branch, high up in cow corner.

St. Lawrence’s innings finished on 198 for 6. Brad had been the pick of the bowlers with 2 for 24 from 9. Steve finished with 2 for 35 from 9. AH was the next most economical with 1 for 8 off 2. Nigel took the other wicket to fall in his 8 overs for 52. Sam, Ray, and Paul were the other bowlers used.

Paul and Steve opened for us. The first over proved eventful with three wides, a single, a wicket and a six. Ray put down a marker for the duck cup with a golden one and this brought Steve out after only four balls. Unfortunately for St. Lawrence, Steve had left his jumper on the mid-off boundary and, reasoning that he needed time to collect it, he launched his first ball over the hedge and the road, into the field beyond. By the time the ball was retrieved Steve was wearing his sweater and looking more comfortable.

Paul, Sam, and Montie played supporting roles as Steve plundered 139 not out, taking us to 198 for 4 in the 20th over. The final ball was bowled to square leg to prevent the possibility of yet another boundary taking us to 200, and a third batting point. Hey ho.

An honourable mention for Jasplin, not out on 14 at the end. The previous week, against Four Elms, he made a personal best of 38, which I failed to mention because there was no match report. There: I’ve reported it now.

- Wyn

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Infamy, infamy etc…

History reliably recalls that it was 1872 when a Shoreham umpire last gave two lbw decisions against his own team, dead plumb or not. Who now carries this burden of shame? Read on.

On a scraping-the-barrel kind of weekend, deprived of the services of many of our regulars and of all our dilettante starlets, it was an unfamiliar XI that took the field. Alongside a clutch of regulars, there were the timeless Mick Johnson, the ageless Bob Shapter, the priceless Tim Martin and the beardless David (Son Of Hack), aged 11.

David is a fine asset to us. (I’m sure that I didn’t write this, but every child knows how to word process now).

Anyway, we fielded first and time passed agreeably as Otford’s early batsmen piled on the runs. Pyman scored 94, Paige 12, Bishop 45, and Jeffers 96. After this quartet were gone, we took another four wickets cheaply, and so we claimed some bowling points whilst conceding a total of 304.

Brad was the pick of the bowlers, going for only 5.4 an over and taking two wickets. Bob Shapter and Alex Haysler also took two wickets apiece, and Bob Sims took one.

The eighth wicket was a run out. When Otford’s number 7 tripped and sprawled mid wicket, Mick Johnson’s first, gentlemanly instinct was to go and help him up, but he was reminded from all corners of the field that this is the cut and thrust of the Kent Village League, and – almost apologetically – he removed the bails.

Mick opened our innings with Nick Walker. Unfortunately Nick was out for only 9 and so had plenty of time to umpire. Mick went on to provide the core of our innings until he was seventh out for 90 with the score on 170. Could the tail wag sufficiently to capture another batting point? Indeed it could, with Jon Beard and Bob Sims each scoring exhilarating 24s. The ninth wicket fell with just one ball remaining, so David faced his first ball of competitive cricket, and survived, to deny Otford their final bowling point.

We fell 84 short of Otford’s total, but the 220 that we scored means that the second’s average score for the first three games is over 200, which is in marked contrast to the 40 odd that we managed on our first outing two seasons ago.

Wyn

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What a relief to reach the end of such a dreadful week. It has been impossible to open a paper without reading of the dodgy dealings of our appointed leaders, the poor behaviour of Speaker Martin, and calls for the Prime Minister to resign. How good then to re-enter the world of cricket, where the rules are known, everyone plays fairly, and order is kept by eagle-eyed and impartial officials.

This week we faced our old friends Halstead. As Ray and Paul padded up to open, someone in their camp was heard to observe that it was unusual to start with two runners on the field.

Sources close to Paul Styles revealed that he will not be available to us next week as he and his wife are attending a dancing masterclass. This seems well timed because Paul’s footwork could certainly have been better as he waltzed around a full toss to be bowled for 2 (or 1 and a leg bye according to the umpires).

Halstead’s game plan appeared to be to keep Ray in as long as possible, as he was – rather deliberately – dropped three times before someone clung on to his fourth lobbed effort out of sheer embarrassment. This brought the returning Robert the Developer to the crease, along with Montie. The hyperactive pair began to scamper about and improve what had been a fairly low run rate, on a pitch that made it difficult to score. Opinion in the pavilion was that 160 would be a good total, but Montie, Robert and then Martin kept increasing the tempo. Martin relieved the pressure that his results so far had begun to heap upon him, by top-scoring with his maiden 50 of the season. Brad, Chris and the Hack latterly kept Martin company and made a few runs of their own. We eventually set Halstead the very respectable target of 186.

In this game James Asplin finally made a telling contribution to the bowling attack by introducing Nigel Jefferies to the side. Brad and Andree, who opened, and then Robert and Nigel kept the run rate low and steadily took wickets. Without the book, this report is a little light on exact statistics. I do however recall that Robert took at least five wickets.

Keeper Martin felt that he was very hard done by on at least two occasions: the first when he took a stunning leg-side catch from a hook shot, and the second when he chose the perfect moment to remove the bails as the batsman rocked forwards. Neither decision went his way, and he was so moved after the second that he strode down the pitch and hurled both gloves to the ground. It seemed a practised move: one could picture him flinging the Marigolds to the kitchen floor and complaining ‘No Linda, it’s not fair. I’ve done more than my share of the washing up this week already’.

Halstead’s last pair came together with the score not much over 100 and about 15 overs left. Taking that final wicket proved to be no formality. Ray and James A, amongst others, found themselves on the receiving end of some lusty hitting and the asking rate was still around 6 an over as 150 came in sight for the visitors. At this point Andree returned to the attack and, to everyone’s relief, snuck one through to wrap up a 40 run victory.

So far so good. However, when leaving the ground, I discovered that someone had swiped my cricket trousers and the money they held, leaving me the butt of a lot of humour in the George, which, frankly, I found very childish and predictable.

This morning I opened my Telegraph to find that my trousers, as well as his own, have turned up in our leader’s kit bag, and that he has been claiming against mine as his constituency trousers.

Brown must go!

- Wyn

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Saturday’s team combined a little of everything: experience, in the shape of Ray, Paul, Monty and Martin; new blood, represented by Gary Hukins and Andree Papillon; youth in the form of Alex Haysler; authority, brought by Sunday Captain Pat Barrett and his lieutenant Richard Nash; and continuity, as Oliver – the latest representative of the Haysler dynasty – made his debut.

Shoreham fielded first, and Gary and Andree bowled extremely economically. When Gary was rested after 4 overs and Andree after 5, the scoring rate was still below 3 an over, though no wickets had gone down. The busiest fielder had been Oliver who was picking up a lot of traffic at fine leg as the batsmen nudged and nurdled in the effort to make any progress.

The first change of bowling brought the spin twins into play: Ray at one end and Paul at the other, and still the scoring rate was kept low. Paul was bowled through and finished with 1 for 29 from his nine overs. Endless summer afternoons were probably invented to accommodate that long, lazy, looping delivery that gives you time to nip back to the changing room to get your hat between the time it leaves the bowler’s hand and arrives at the batsman’s end. The batsman, with far too much time to think, can reach no firm conclusion about a course of action and settles for pushing the ball back. When Cudham’s number two chanced his arm he found Richard’s waiting hands and the score was 74 for 1.

Meanwhile, at the other end, things began to slip. First, the Ageing Hack failed to find the required off-stump accuracy and conceded 7 an over before being replaced. Cudham’s new batsman was anxious to inject some urgency to proceedings. The scoring rate accelerated, and the returning Ray at one end, and Alex at the other failed to stem the flow.

Gary came back into the attack and Richard helped him to his first wicket, with a splendid running catch on the square leg boundary. Soon after, Gary also accounted for Cudham’s number 3.

With 10 overs still to go a total of around 180 looked realistic, but Cudham’s later batsmen, particularly Vencat, began batting aggressively. Their progress was only punctuated by what others were kind enough to call the ‘champagne moment’ of the day. One instant the Ageing Hack was firmly planted on the ground, the next he was soaring – as if gravity had been suspended – to snatch the ball from the air and take our fourth and final wicket, from Andre’s bowling.

Cudham finally set an imposing target of 207.

Briefly, it looked as though we might make light work of this total as Paul took fourteen from the first over. He and Ray were still scoring at the required rate before 13 proved Ray’s unlucky number. That was in the seventh over. After that, the scoring rate began to drop away in the face of tighter bowling.

Coming in at number three, Monty compiled a 65 not out that proved the backbone of our innings, but, at the other end, first Paul was bowled by a rank long hop that didn’t get up to the required height, and then Gary, Martin and Richard all failed to get going.

In the 24th over Alex joined Monty and the pair brought some stability back to the innings. After 29 overs the score was125 for 5 and the required rate had climbed to almost exactly 8. Alex in particular began to play some excellent strokes and the score stood at 153 when he was caught off Vencat, who was Cudham’s most effective bowler, finishing with 3 for 16 from his nine overs.

As the unsuspecting Hack made his way to the middle the required rate was still 8 with 7 overs to go. Vencat had one more over, which yielded only two runs, and then Monty and the Hack set about the bowling in a fashion that in effort probably made up for what it lacked in style. Monty in particular was determined to extract the maximum from every ball and forced the miserable Hack into a series of lung-bursting twos and threes (that should have been singles), which tested the stitching of St. Thomas’ finest to the limit.

At the start of the final over 14 were required, but despite the batsmen’s very best efforts only 4 were scored from the first 5 balls. This left us two short of our third batting point with one ball to go. The field stayed out, so that when the Hack made contact with the final ball he realised, with a sinking heart, that this would mean another mad scramble for two. Both batsmen made their ground and so Shoreham at least had a consolation prize after a hugely enjoyable and very competitive afternoon’s cricket.

Wyn

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‘Right boys’, said Captain Brown in the Shoreham dressing room before the match, ‘Flimwell are far too good to be in division 5. It’s our duty to make sure they get maximum points from the game today so that they go up to div. 4 and we don’t have to play them again until I’m in my bath-chair. I want to see loose bowling, cavalier batting and dodgy fielding. I don’t care how easy the catch is, make sure you drop it.’ I can safely say that we did not let him down.

Shoreham had assembled a fine team to face Flimwell at home on Saturday and certainly our strongest since Mr Contract-Killer played for us against Leigh. Things looked good after Captain Brown lost the toss and was asked to field since this would have been our choice had we won it. In our first match against Flimwell earlier in the season, we amassed 150 hard-fought runs in 40 overs which they picked off in 20 overs so we knew what we were up against. Flimwell’s opening batsman, M Gibb scored a fluent 75 runs (90% of them through extra-cover, a gap which we had cunningly left open to help him on his way) before being run out by his batting partner, E Cameron, who went on to score 116 not out.

We had a few decent LBW shouts rejected (to be expected really) and a sharp chance to square leg off Gibb went to ground, but this was only the rehearsal for Mr Danny Prince’s non-dismissal. Danny is a polite teenager, known throughout Kent for his quiet demeanour and stiff upper lip when given out plum LBW. He is also a fairly dangerous batsman with a penchant for hitting sixes onto the golf course. To set the scene, Shoreham had just got M Gibb out after Ray did a dainty bit of delegation and jumped out of the way to leave Hofmann to throw in to Martin who made a confident run out. Suddenly we were back in the match and a quick wicket here would really put the cat amongst the pigeons. Danny took a massive heave at a shortish ball and the ball skied towards the vacant short leg position. ‘Mine’ shouted Martin, skeetering towards the square-leg umpire. Time stood still. The ball looped gently up in the air, the gloves clapped together and the ball popped out and landed at Martin’s feet. Danny had already reached the pavilion, thrown his bat at the kettle and sworn at Pater before his team-mates shouted at him to go back. Clearly the RTFA is going to be a hotly contested affair this year.

The rest of the Flimwell innings went by in a blur of lost balls, hawthorn scratches, bowling changes (8 bowlers had the chance to be put to the sword during the match), bad language (all by Flimwell players directed at Flimwell players) and they ended with a rather daunting total of 263 from 40 overs. Pick of the bowlers was Montie with 2 for 24 off his 6 overs. Still, the Peck tea was waiting to salve bruised hands and egos – cucumber sandwich anyone?

The Flimwell bowling attack was not quite as fearsome as earlier in the season but they were economical and accurate. Nick Walker Senior failed to gorge himself on the juicy bowling that characterises most 5th division bowling and Montie top-scored with 24 runs, thus completing an unusual double for the Preston Farmer. Shoreham scored a rather disappointing 111 (Nelson) runs and the match was over by 6pm, so we headed for the pub where we waited and waited and waited for the Invincibles to return from Kemsing.

And the wrong glasses? Linda had been dispatched to the car to find Martin’s proper cricketing glasses in the previous over.

- Alex

There was a rumour that Jerry Stanyard and Nick Walker (London) might have been playing for the seconds this week but apparently they were called into work to help look for something: I forget what, but apparently it carried the batting and bowling statistics, DNA profile, bank account details and conviction record of every player in the Kent Village League.

So, the eleven selected made their way to a Four Elms ground that was basking in sunshine. We batted first, and Paul and Alex comfortably scored at 5 an over. A bowling change meant that the profitable supply of extras diminished and the scoring rate began to fall. Alex was dismissed for an enterprising 39 in the 17th over, and Paul, for a typically stylish 35, in the 27th over. By now the run rate had fallen to around 3 and what followed was not so much a story of the foreign legion as of the lost legion. In a collapse of staggering proportions, the remaining 8 batsmen contributed only 30 runs in 10 overs before we found ourselves all out for 130.

There were two run outs – neither of them involving the Usual Suspect. First Martin Bowden came charging down the wicket calling so loudly that poor Rupert was frozen to the spot. As Rupert didn’t leave his crease, he was the survivor after he found himself sharing it with Martin with the bails removed at the other end. Rupert was however run out when batting with the Next Most Likely Suspect, though not having witnessed this myself I am unable to give an accurate account of what occurred.

Pike’s figures of 9-5-4-18 and Patel’s of 6.4-2-3-18 tell the rest of the story, though neither was unplayable. A low bounce and mounting desperation to push the score along contributed to the debacle. The good news of the latter part of our innings was that the returning Graham survived without breaking anything (including his duck).

130 seemed an inadequate total to defend, but two quick wickets for Martin Bowden gave us some encouragement. Conlin and Hills, the numbers 1 and 4, then compiled a partnership of 50, which was only broken by introduction of Rupert’s wily spin bowling. He dismissed Hills with the first ball of his first over and Conlin with the first ball of his second. Four Elms were however ahead of the required run rate and the three next batsmen chipped in with contributions of 18,14 and 11 respectively. Despite tight bowling by Sims (8-1-26-0), Bowden (9-2-17-2), Peck (5-0-16-0) and Hoffman (4-0-16-0), the match seemed to slip gradually from our grasp. But Rupert the destroyer kept pulling us back into contention, taking wicket after wicket, to finish with splendid figures of 9-0-32-6.

The run rate slowed and slowed, but Four Elms always looked the more likely side to win. At the beginning of the last over Four Elms were on 128 for 9. With one ball to go the scores were tied. Captain Brown brought the field right in.

As in a slow-motion scene from the end of a movie, Ageing Hack bowled the final ball, it’s gentle trajectory bringing it finally into contact with a swinging bat. The startled Hack managed to clutch the return catch and a tie had been snatched from the jaws of defeat.

Amongst the less obvious statistics of this game, we conceded half the number of extras that Four Elms gave away. In part this was due to generally tidier bowling and in part to a good performance behind the stumps by Martin, who dealt well with the odd rogue ball and had a catch and a stumping to his name by the end of the game.

A splendid afternoon’s cricket.

- Wyn