As background to the most extraordinary feature of this game it is necessary to know that Nick Walker (snr) has been complaining about the amount of fielding that he has had to do, relative to the amount of batting and bowling that he has been given. Today he was picked for the second XI, who were very happy to have his talents at their disposal. But read on…

Halstead won the toss and elected to bat. Fielding first suited us well because we knew that we had a Linda Trick tea to look forward to: the kind that makes it difficult to run afterwards..

Shoreham took the field with ten men and what turned out to be a hologram of Nick Walker. It looked like Nick – the same boyish smile, the same long-striding walk, the floppy hat, the glasses – but anything solid (for example, a cricket ball) went straight through him.

Shoreham’s opening bowlers made the most of overcast conditions, getting the ball to swing and seam. The pitch was also providing variable bounce, so life was difficult for the batsmen. The other non-holograms supported the bowlers very well, particularly James Asplin, who (appropriately) has made the JAFA his own, closely followed by George Rivett, who threw himself around with great commitment, saving at least three boundaries with sliding stops.

Montie and Brad were bowled through: Montie conceding just eight runs in nine overs and Brad taking 3 for 26 in his nine. Alex, replacing Montie, then took a wicket with his first ball, and at the other end the King Of Spin was introduced to the attack.

At drinks, Halstead stood at 47 for 4, but after the break they came out fighting.

Ray was distracted – for one reason or another – by the arrival of his wife, carrying a plate of sandwiches, and conceded the first six of the innings. Shortly afterwards, as play was interrupted by rain, Ray led the charge towards the pavilion. Resuming ten minutes later, with some crumbs still adhering to his moustache, Ray proceeded to work his way through Halstead’s middle order (whether as dessert or hors d’oeuvre was not clear). Ray took four wickets – the finest of which was a sharp, one handed, return catch. Montie had meanwhile cunningly disguised himself as the Nick Walker hologram by putting on a sun hat and glasses. Two of Halstead’s batsmen fell into this trap: chipping the ball confidently in his direction and being amazed to find themselves walking off.

Halstead’s number 7, Dan Weston, began to strike some lusty blows but then hobbled to a halt with what seemed like a painful hamstring problem. Not long after, he became one of the victims of the Ray / Nick-Walker-hologram-look-alike combination. Kenny Cowan, batting at nine, was the only other Halstead player to reach 20.

When Alex (9-0-39-1) and Ray (9-1-34-4) completed their spells, Captain Brown called on the Rivett brothers to take an end each. George clinched our third bowling point in the final over, and the ten men of Halstead finished on 141 all out.

When everyone was focused on their tea, Sarah and Bea Walker arrived, dragging a large case that contained something that seemed to be mumbling and struggling, which they deposited in the changing room. A little later, the holographic Nick walked into the changing room; there was some banging and cursing and a strange light shone from the window. Then, Nick strode out again, pulling on his batting gloves with a very self-satisfied expression.

(The real) Nick and Ray opened the batting, and put on a well-paced 83 for the first wicket. Ray was eventually bowled on 30, whilst Nick proceeded to his half century with a series of elegant drives, before he miscued and was caught at mid off, for 51.

Ray was replaced by Alex and Nick was succeeded by Paul. They regularly despatched Halstead’s first change bowlers to the boundary. Alex scored an undefeated 22 and Paul an undefeated 21.

We ran out comfortable winners, with ten overs to spare and just two wickets down, so for once we made it to the George before the first team!

- Wyn

The Shoreham Legion is a strange assortment of men. Perhaps they join for adventure, perhaps to escape their pasts, perhaps to forget. They aren’t asked.

Their leader is Captain Brown, a compact, wiry man with piercing blue eyes. Tough but fair. A believer in cross country training, which is a church of one in the Legion.

Saturday’s assignment was one of the toughest. It was hell out there. The sun beat down unmercifully on Leigh’s unshaded pitch. No human could survive indefinitely in those conditions.

Using all his tactical acumen Captain Brown found cover for his men in the pavilion. But scouts had to be sent out and, opting for experience, Captain Brown chose his grizzled veterans: Corporal (Nobby) Styles and the company mechanic, known just as Raymondo. Donning a white coat, the captain himself set out to ensure fair play. He watched as the corporal was quickly picked off and replaced by one of the newest recruits of whom little was known, even the proper spelling of his name. Dhru (?) Contract-Killer was rumoured to have been an assassin working in the North London area. Whatever the truth, by the time Raymondo finally staggered back to the pavilion, after a courageous 24, C-K already had a good hit rate.

Next the languid, monocled Hauptmann Alex (rumoured to have been relieved of command elsewhere before joining the Legion) joined C-K in the fray and helped to add 123 before he became the third man to fall. By now C-K was advancing down the pitch to the bowlers and the fielders had taken cover in remote areas.

Almost unnoticed, Captain Brown had handed over the white coat after 20 overs standing in the sun.

Replacing Alex, the dashing Sergeant Wells strode out to the fray. C-K had by now amassed 105 runs. ’105 run out’ opined one of the troops. But it was not to be, as C-K holed out before any serious running could take place. However, next in was another new recruit – the hapless Andrew Gohl – and normal service was resumed before he could face a ball. Trudging back to the pavilion he was passed by the Legion’s most decorated man, Lance Corporal Martin Bowden V&A, who shared in a last wicket stand that took Shoreham’s total to 240 for 5.

Despite earnest pleading from his men (‘No.no. It’s too much for one man’ etc.) Captain Brown had taken a second turn in the white coat in the sun. That this was not a good idea become clear when he started referring to the lady serving teas as ‘Your Majesty’. He also seemed convinced that the spectator in glasses was Fabio Capello and was determined to impress him. For his own good, the captain was gently steered to a position at deep long on, where he would come to no harm. But from the outfield came a distant cry of ‘On me ‘ed, son’ and the Leigh batsman obliged with a towering blow. Captain Brown, leaping like a salmon, met the ball with his head and flicked it into the goalmouth that only he could see, on the far side of the boundary. Fortunately the ball was not much damaged.

Meanwhile, Shoreham’s attack had been led by company medic, Brad Simms and Lance Corporal Bowden. Both were economical and both claimed a wicket, which increased the pressure that Leigh were already under, facing such a distant target. C-K relieved Brad and proved deadly with more than one weapon: taking 3 for 32 in his 9 overs.

At the other end, the luckless Andrew Gohl, struggled to find his line and length in his first return to action in many years. He was withdrawn after one over, and no doubt felt by the end of the match that he had had his full £8 worth of fun.

Company historian, Ageing Hack, was wheeled out to continue the containment exercise and took 1 for 39 in his 9 overs (though 2 for 33 would have been possible had Captain Brown elected to use his hands rather than his head). Private Beard, survivor of expeditions on many continents, patrolled the boundary to good effect and played his full part in helping to restrict the run rate.

Only Tom Hobbs (any relation?), batting at 7 and finishing on 66 not out, threatened to advance Leigh to anything near Shoreham’s total, but his charge was too late in the day and Leigh finished on 195 for 6.

More battle honours then, and the Leigh medal is, I believe, being struck as you read this.

- Wyn

Limpsfield Chart had already got the better of us this season but we were feeling confident as we fielded one of the best 2nd XI sides of this season. Our confidence didn’t falter as Limpsfield Chart won the toss and decided to bat.

Montgomerie and Sims opened the bowling attack and kept the visitors contained bowling a good line but wickets were hard to come by. Brad had one appeal that was so convincing that even a golfer on the 10th hole went up for it but the umpire was unmoved. The breakthrough came from an inspired change of bowling from skipper Chris Brown. Bromfield, fresh from the Sunday team, took the wicket of Maynard (25) with only his second ball with a good catch from Wells. Spirits were still high after 20 overs as Limpsfield Chart had only managed to amass 64 runs for the loss of 2 wickets. Another wicket fell shortly after drinks bringing Soper to the crease who hit a quick 40, punishing anything short or wide. R. Trick (3-0-24-0) and J. Rivett (8-1-52-0) tried in vain to take wickets. Sims (8-1-31-2) continued his hard work in his second spell ably assisted by some excellent fielding including a classy run out by J. Rivett. The pick of the bowlers was Hoffman who consistently bowled well going for only 13 runs off of his 7 overs for the reward of 2 wickets. However, the runs continued to accumulate until the innings ended on 208 for 6 after 40 overs.

The team reflected whilst gorging themselves on a well prepared Rivett tea but we were still not beaten as our batting line up was strong. The innings got off to a slow start with Singh (7-3-12-1) and Playford (4-0-19-0) bowling well. Our openers Styles (3) and Trick (22) both fell to the bowling of Kaylan Reddy. Bromfield was deceived by the spin of O’Rourke and was stumped for 7 and Harris departed for 3. Hoffman put up a strong fight but was run out on 12. James Asplin looked good until skying one back to the bowler and the last 4 batsmen made 10 runs between them. Wells made the only other telling contribution but ran out of partners on 21*. After 32 overs we were 105 all out with the help of our top scorer: extras on 25.

We were outclassed by a superior bowling attack and Limpsfield Chart deserved the win and their position of 2nd in the table. Next week’s fixture away at Leigh should prove to be a closer encounter.

- George

Until Saturday I thought of Southborough merely as an obstruction on the road to Tunbridge Wells but now I know that it is also a place where people live and play cricket. Rather well actually (the cricket I mean, the rest I don’t know about). I had to say that bit about the cricket, firstly because they beat us, and secondly because it turns out that these match reports are read in Southborough.

I realise that I have already destroyed what narrative tension there might have been for anyone who wasn’t there by giving away the result in the first paragraph. Just to complete the job, Southborough batted first and scored 218 for 5. In reply we only managed 138 all out in 31 overs, so we came away from this fixture with just a single batting point to our credit.

Now let’s concentrate on the interesting bit: dissecting performances and reputations.

The seconds were without all of the three bowlers who have regularly opened the attack for us this season. Alex was promoted to the firsts, Brad was otherwise engaged, and the Plumstead Pensioner has finally been found but is unfit for action until next week. In their absence Jack and Montie became our first line. Jack dropped a return catch from the Southborough number two in his first over. 4,4,4,4,6 later he was probably regretting this. Then he produced a great delivery that scattered the young man’s stumps. Some time later, a similar delivery accounted for Southborough’s number three, and Jack finished his 9 overs with 2 for 55.

Meanwhile Montie wheeled away at the other end for seven overs finishing with 0 for 37.
The most exciting moment of his spell was probably when a firmly hit edge nearly caused the Ageing Hack, who was obviously standing too close, in a vaguely third slip sort of position, to be readmitted to hospital; this time for maxillo-facial attention.

Southborough’s batsmen gave us a lot of chasing to do and no-one ran around more enthusiastically and to greater effect than the Duracell Bunny. To the RTFA and the JABA I think we should add the JAFA, which – in contradistinction to the other two – will be a mark of honour rather than of shame. James took one outstanding catch in the deep, running to his left and taking the ball at full stretch, but perhaps his most impressive feat was to clear a high-backed bench in a single bound after chasing a ball to the boundary. Had he been less athletic we would have had to refer to him in the future as the Duracell Gelding.

Russ Brooks, who took over from Montie, bowled very tidily for at least 5 balls in each over, each over being at least six balls long. He finished with 1 for 36 off 9 and contributed to slowing the run rate from around seven an over to around five. Rupert Harris and Jack Porter continued the good work, bowling 5 and 6 overs respectively and picking up a wicket each. In keeping with this youth policy, Ageing Hack was introduced for 4 overs at the end of the innings, with no reward other than the joy of bowling.

218 was a lower total than had seemed likely at one stage and not entirely out of reach. Unfortunately a rusty Hack gave his wicket away cheaply and Paul watched as a succession of other batsmen came and went at the other end. Martin was surprisingly involved in a run out, but this time he was the victim. Rupert failed for the first time in a Shoreham team. Zack came, saw, swung mightily and was caught in the deep without troubling the scorers beyond recording the means of his dismissal.

James Asplin was delighted with his contribution with the bat, scoring a lively 18, and – as he remarked – for once contributing more runs with the bat than he gave away with the ball. We pointed out as kindly as possible that this was probably because we hadn’t let him bowl.

Our captain reached the boundary once, and – like several others – felt that it should not have been too difficult to carry on doing so. But, it was not to be and he dragged the ball on in his next attempt. Jack Porter also managed a single boundary before being bowled, whilst Russ only managed 2 before presenting the bowler with a return catch. Finally, Jack began to mete out some of the treatment he had received earlier, striking three mighty boundaries before playing all around a straight one. This left Montie undefeated on 7.

A delightful day’s cricket: lovely setting, good weather, sporting opposition, and good ale afterwards. All in the garden would have been rosy had it not been for the feeling that we could have / should have done a bit better, particularly with the bat. No doubt our next opponents will feel the fearsome effects of our rebound from this disappointment.

- Wyn

Shoreham won the toss and elected to bat against the team who had picked up the most bowling points so far this season. The old stalwarts of R.C. Trick (10) and P. Styles (32) opened the batting against some good bowling from the home team with the demise of Trick with the score on 22, A. Hummersome (27) on his debut strode to the crease to take part in the highest partnership of the day for Shoreham of 49. Alex Hofmann (26) stayed at the crease for sometime and was the eighth wicket to fall, M. Wells chipped in with 13 before being adjudged lbw. Jack Rivett (0) swished at a wide one and lobbed the ball to mid on, Nick Pearce (1) fell early as did Montie (4), Brown (9) not out tried to rally his troops. Tom Palmer (1) lobbed the ball back to the bowler then Brad Sims (0) gloved one to gully and was called by Chris for a quickie but did not come quick enough and was left short. (Just like the majority of our bowling). The Shoreham innings closed on 148 in 36.3 overs with the last six batsmen accumulating 15 runs between them. This was by far the best all round bowling attack faced by the seconds this season with no let up from good line and length.

The Flimwell innings got off to a flying start with them having 39 runs on the board after 3 overs, with Hofmann going for 12 off his first over and electing then to change ends, Tom Palmer bowled one over to allow this to happen and got punished form 18 runs. Brad bowled his normal good line but went for 33 off 5 taking 2 wickets, Ray Trick got punished severely going for 49 off 6 picking up 1 wicket, Jack tried in vain and went for 18 off 3, Tom came back and picked up a wicket and ended with figures of 1 for 27 off 1.4 overs. Flimwell deservedly ran out the winners by 6 wickets in 18.4 overs.

- Ray

Apologies for match report, no Wyn this week, so if you are not a fan of watching paint dry, switch off now!

Another good week end for Shoreham CC lst and 2nd’s winning again, congrats Sree.

The seconds won the toss, decided to field with Brad getting into his usual mode of bowling a decent line, well supported by Alex, we had great hopes of rolling Four Elms over. Their opening batsman had other ideas and plundered 50 a piece. On 100 for 0 we were loooking at a big chase until, against the backdrop of Linda Wells screaming in the boundary bushes, Simon was introduced to the attack taking 3 wickets off 6 overs. At the other end Jack bowled a tidy spell returning figures of 9-0-31-1. Replacing him James Asplin at last found out where the off stump was and aimed at it for four overs, taking a wicket for 15 runs getting us a bowling point and putting us in for a shout, chasing 179.

Our openers found the going hard early on against some tight Four Elm’s bowling until Alex fournd his range and started to set about their attack. Paul was strangled and unlucky to be out for 12, this allowed Martin Wells to the crease who after a decent start didn’t know whether to stick or twist and was bowled for 13. SImon repaced his Dad and after great promise he too was bowled for 13, in the meantime, Alex was still bashing them out at the other end, this time suppported by Nick Pearce who hit a couple of straight sixes in his well played 21. Alex was eventually out for a career best of 67.

I returned to true form and was bowled for 1 leaving Montie and Jack the ‘golden Rivett’ to see Shoreham home, Jack scored an impressive 24 not out, with Montie on 13 and Shoreham with a total of 183 and our 3rd win of the season.

Cheers
Chris

- (Most) photos by George

For this mid-table clash we fielded a strong-looking batting line up. The bowling was strengthened by Graham’s return (the new nail varnish is not completely dry yet but he was determined to play), but weakened by the continued absence of the Plumstead Pensioner.

I have been reading about the program of post office closures and, as we didn’t hear from him last week, I’m a little concerned that PP wasn’t noticed dozing in the corner of his local branch when they shut it down. Could someone check?

St. Lawrence’s innings was in two parts: Nick Cobb’s and everyone else’s. Everyone else scored a total of 68 whilst Nick (the St. Lawrence captain) plundered 170 from our depleted attack. Apparently, catches were dropped and stumpings were not given: things that could have affected the result profoundly. I wasn’t there at this stage so I have to rely on my informers in this regard. It is however a matter of fact that St. Lawrence scored 257.

Brad was the pick of our bowlers with a very economical 9 – 30 – 1. Everyone else went for around seven an over and would probably wish to remain anonymous, except that possibly Jack would like me to make mention that he took two wickets.

St Lawrence’s bowlers in their turn found it difficult to bowl on the stumps and so we kindly helped them out: Paul kicking one from outside leg onto his wicket and Simon Wells doing much the same to one a long way outside the off, but using his bat. The returning Nick Pearce has yet to rediscover his touch and Martin was still muttering about the injustices of life as a wicket keeper instead of concentrating on the line of the ball that cleaned him up (he maintains it swung prodigiously). Danny was the only one of the top five to reach double figures, and then only just.

The galacticos in the line up had failed to deliver and at 41 – 5 things were looking pretty dire, so it was left to our middle and lower order, journeymen batsmen to restore some semblance of respectability, which they did with style.

Runs came more easily once St. Lawrence’s opening bowlers had finished their spells (A. Churchman 9 – 38 – 3, and R. Berry 9 – 32 – 2). First Montie steadied the ship and then Chris stepped up to play a captain’s innings, encouraged by the fact that his scoring shots were greeted by a chorus of ‘Brownie for Pope’ from the returned 1st team. Chris, Montie and extras added 97 for the 6th wicket – surely a record for the seconds? This was aided to some extent by the fact that St. Lawrence failed to appreciate the nature of Chris’s innings and persisted in posting fielders in front of square on the off side.

Montie eventually departed and then 138 for 6 quickly became 138 for 7 as Graham got a ball that was too good for his understandably tentative shot. Chris was finally out for 62, with the total on 155. Brad, accumulated 16 with four boundaries, but was ninth out with the score on 159 leaving one run required for a second batting point. Our last wicket brought together the Flying Rivetts. Jack managed to get bat on ball consistently this week and he briskly reached 18 before George was dismissed for a crucial 3, with the total on 176.

So, one way of looking at the day is that our ‘top’ 5 batsmen contributed 29 whilst numbers 6 to 11 contributed 122. Another would be that St. Lawrence’s batsmen, except their captain, scored 68 whilst Shoreham’s batsmen, except their captain, scored 89 but we still lost by a country mile. I foresee some difficult selectorial decisions.

- Wyn

- Photos by Ed (on his camera phone)